Pass with caution!

Tigers in sanctuaries to get ID cards, PTI, 8th  October

A turned-away tiger complains to the Supreme Court. Ashish Kothari reports on this strange case from the Maharashtra-Madhya Pradesh border
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In a first case of its kind, but one that many conservationists fear will become commonplace, a tiger from Panna National Park
(Maharashtra) was last week refused entry into the Panna National Park (Madhya Pradesh). The victim of this discrimination has filed a case in the Supreme Court of India, through its counsels in the Wildlife Protection Society of Hindustan (WPSH). She has complained that though she has been frequently going back and forth between the two parks, this time around she was told to turn back by Panna (MP)’s tigers, who asked her to show her ID card, and said that only those issued Panna (MP) IDs could henceforth be allowed in. This follows a move by the National Tiger Conversation Authority (NTCA) to issue IDs to all
tigers in India. The petitioner has named not only the Panna (MP) tigers as violating her rights, but also the NTCA for making such violation possible through its ID scheme.

Acting quickly in her support, the Vidarbha units of the Maharashtra Nazi Samiti (MNS) and Sieve Sena (SS) have filed a supplementary affidavit arguing that their state’s tigers had full right to go into neighbouring states, or indeed into neighbouring countries, continents and planets if they so wished. It is learnt that the Pashus for Universal Citizenship and Liberty (PUCL) plans to file a counter-affidavit calling the MNS and SS hypocrites, pointing out that just the other month they had announced they would not allow anyone other than Marathi-manus and Marathi-pashu to come into Maharashtra.

Meanwhile, cattle of both states, united under the Can-graze Party, issued a resolution that tigers not be allowed to move anywhere outside the national parks assigned to them. One of the demands was that tigers that stray out be identified as terrorists and booked under the National Security Act. A congregation of wild ungulates, represented by the Deer Madhyabharat Kingdom (DMK) was reported to be confused about whether to support this stand, because though they agreed that tigers were terrorists (and not only those that went outside parks), they did not want to show solidarity with domestic livestock that competed with them for grass and water. A section of co-existentialist deer were last heard arguing that livestock did not
in fact constitute an incompatible competitor, and therefore they should all join hands against their joint tormentor.

Asked his expert opinion, famous environmental lawyer Raja Panja said the aggrieved tiger had a strong case. The Constitution of India allows all its citizens the right of free movement anywhere in the country (other than into the PMO, Indian parliament, all army establishments, most VIP zones, three-fourths of the offices of district collectors (on a rotational basis), and, if barefoot, Mumbai’s Willingdon Club). So the MP tigers were wrong in stopping their Maharashtra sister.

Wildlife expert Khallas Current concurred with this view, stating that back-and-forth and various other kinds of movements were crucial to maintain the exchange of jeans, otherwise tiger fashion would stagnate. He was critical of the MNS and SS, and wanted the author to use this article to send them a message: ‘Levis and let Levis’.

An obscure NGO named Clubvriksh was heard claiming that the entire problem was a result of the NTCA initiating its ID scheme without consulting with the country’s tigers, tigerwallas (and wallis), and the local communities living in tiger-bearing areas. Meanwhile the Cat Party of India (CPI) appeared to have been thrown into disarray, as its politburo was split neatly into two on the matter. The Cat Party of Mid-India-Leopardist (CPM-L) however was faring better; it was readying an affidavit arguing that the only resolution of the tiger vs tiger conflict was a tiger-free peace zone between the two Pannas. Obviously, though it was not saying so openly, the CPM-L saw in this the great prospect of a leopard-dominated zone. The National Cat Party (NCP), once very pawar-ful but now weakened by defections to the CPI and CPM-L, was maintaining a sullen silence.
The issue could snowball into a massive headache for the central Ministry of Environment vs Forests (MoEF). A number of other species are contemplating writing to MoEF asking for similar ID schemes or conversely, expressing concern about them. The Gujarati Lions Club has already sent a flurry of emanes … sorry, emails … demanding Gujarati IDs so they would once and for all be rid of the relocation sword hanging on their heads. With such IDs, they would be mercifully refused entry into Madhya Pradesh where the central government had readied, without seeking their prior informed consent, a new home at Palpur Kuno. The Bhalu’s Jaunty Party (BJP) was likely to demand IDs, in the hope that this might help unite their warring factions when they see their essential one-ness as bears. The Elephants’ Guild of India (EGI) was however undecided, not wanting to get into a situation
where their inter-state movement was hampered. The Birds Salvation Party (BSP) was examining various relevant statues, I beg your pardon, statutes, to work out a position. The Reptilian Jaago Dal (RJD) said they did not want IDs as it would make it tough to hide in the fodder. And so on.

Rumour has it that the Prime Minister’s Office was going to ask Misinfosis founder NRN Murky to devise a unique barcode ID for each animal, which, however, did not contain its residential details. This could reduce discrimination such as what the Maharashtra tiger encountered. However, this author could not confirm this with Mr Murky, as none of the telephone directory services seemed to have his identity. We could only get a quote from rival Shutyam’s B Ramalingu Fraudju, who from his prison-cell said, somewhat unkindly, that Mr Murky would only use the opportunity to increase his sher-holders.

The tiger case is not likely to be resolved by the Supreme Court any time soon, especially since the matter had been referred to the Centrally Empawed Committee. Aware of this, the petitioner is believed to have simultaneously approached one of Nagpur’s expert forgers, to make her a Panna (MP) ID. (Indeed there is now a thriving blackmarket in tiger IDs, but that’s the subject of another investigative story, watch this space). Armed with two IDs, and most of her teeth and claws (missing only the ones that she lost in fighting the brute fellow who had first stopped her from crossing over), she hopes that she will once again be able to roam freely.

Ashish Kothari is with the NGO Clubvriksh, and hopes this article will pull it out of obscurity.
Infochange News & Features, October 2009
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Ashish Kothari
Kalpavriksh
Apt 5 Shree Datta Krupa
908 Deccan Gymkhana
Pune 411004
India
Tel/fax: 91-20-25654239
Tel: 91-20-25675450
Email: ashishkothari@vsnl.com

…a Bengali man. Metro explores

1. So much about Bengali men is about food. A significant number of contemporary Bengali men, unlike their forefathers, condemn fish. Excepting ilish, for the men love it too. “I don’t have fish, only ilish,” many men have been heard confessing in a tender moment. Since they love ilish, they will not care if others do so as well. Love makes them blind. The men will have the best peti (belly piece), for they say they are afraid of the kaantas, fishbones. Ilish abounds in them, which makes it a challenge. Women, at some point in their life, learn to tackle the kaantas, but confronting them able-bodied men become bashful and tremble. It pays off. Women are left to work their way through the thick-with-bones gaada pieces and men just sit back and allow the ilish to work on them. Eventually, the women get to liking chewing the bones and they are considered sexy while they are at it — remember the photographer-lover looking at Paroma in the film of the same name?

Anyway, if men won’t have fish, why do they relish the best parts of ilish? You see it rhymes, which is not a coincidence. Ilish is poetry — and Bengali men have exclusive rights over both.

They hog conversations the same way.

2. A similar Powerpoint presentation will explain why the leg piece of the chicken is also reserved for the man at the table. There is an additional reason here. Growing Bengali boys, who keep growing into growing Bengali boys, need more “protein”, which is good for the “brain”. The “brain”, when encased within the head of a boy, is a collective Bengali obsession. Nurtured by his parents, Horlicks and chicken legs, it will be a potent weapon when he grows up: it will be the highest point reached by a man with a steady, decent job, besides being the embodiment of sex appeal. A Bengali man draws women towards him with his “brain”. For these reasons the popular Bengali sayings: Maachher muro khao, brain-er pokkhe bhalo (Have fishhead, it’s good for the brain); TV dekho na, brain-er pokkhe kharap (Don’t watch TV, it’s bad for the brain); Beshi khela dhula brain-er pokkhe kharap (Too much sport is bad for the brain); Amartya Sen maachher maatha kheye boro hoyechhen (Amartya Sen grew up on fishheads). Fishheads being another powerful Bengali obsession.

3. But men actually look down on women for chewing fishbones. Or for eating green chillis on the side with their meals. There’s a suggestion of corruption or perversion about these two things — as if a clean piece of fish is morally superior and liking the bones is an unmentionable proclivity. Or liking a hot green chilli is slightly carnal. As a character in Tagore’s short story Khudhito Pashan, dismissive about women, put it: women love hot chillis, sour tamarind and a stern husband. Though he didn’t specify which was the worst for her.

4. Chicken roll.

5. Egg chicken roll.

6. Double egg chicken roll.

7. The Sunday mutton lunch. After which men can only go to sleep.

8. They really don’t want to go to the bajaar, not even to the AC retail stores for grocery or vegetable shopping. Especially the new-age Bengali man. The way he tiptoes through the fish market makes the wife cringe.

9. Many men still make that slurping sound as they eat. They sneeze, cough and yawn louder.

10. They expect women to serve them at the dinner table. At least she should be urging him on to the right bowls.

11. They expect the women will carry the dirty dishes to the sink, clear the table and put away the remnants in the right containers.

12. If they do put the food away, the fridge looks like a battlefield, with several things dismembered, dismantled and oozing liquids. In any case, they would never clean the refrigerator. Ditto for the cooking gas.

13. When they are drunk they invoke Robi Thakur. Then they tend to go for the cosmic, namely, Debabrata’s rendition of Akash bhora surjo tara, after which they have dinner.

14. But then when they are sober why are they still discussing Sachin Tendulkar versus Sourav Ganguly, and backing Dada to win?

15. In public, they admire Nandita Das. In secret, they want to be Salman Khan.

16. Rare is the Bengali man who looks good in a formal suit. He stops midway into it. He looks square. Or round. But proud. If you ask him why, he is likely to say that intellect is inversely proportional to height in his part of the world. He can be smug, very smug.

17. Which doesn’t take away from the fact that few Bengali men look good in jeans and a tee.

18. For the same reason, they seem to be rolling on the dance floor. From where they are often not picked up. Understandably.

19. They want biryani even at a Chinese restaurant. And chow mien at a mughlai eatery. Poor binary creatures.

20 . Only men can get to organise pujas and ignore everything else for four days.

21 .Their genjis.

22 .Their paijamas.

23 .Once they would only be doctors, engineers or IAS officers. Now they will be MBAs. The rest is “same to same”.

24 .Their stock of jokes is small and oft-repeated, especially in family circles. Such as the one on the various kinds of baldness. It ends with the variety in which only a few strands of hair remain. It is called Smritituku thak (forget me not). But as one has heard it since childhood, one has to remember to laugh hard. Outside family circles one common joke is: “Age no bar, caste no bar etc…”

25 .They will wear the dhuti for a wedding, but not before turning the household upside down. The dhuti has to be located first, sent to the laundry, and has to have the gile work done on it. Same for the addir punjabi. Then the gold punjabi buttons have to be located. In fact, every time a punjabi is worn, locating the buttons is the woman’s job.

The wearing of the dhuti itself is an event. There is at least one assistant, sometimes two, to help with it. Some men have worn the dhuti only on the occasion of their marriage — and their relatives still remember it, blow-by-blow.

The end-result is certainly not worth the fuss that goes into it.

26 .Romance means lots of poetry and sublimity.

27 .They think growing hair on their upper lip will make them more “manly”.

28 .Men are reluctant to make the bed, open the windows in the morning or make the morning pot of tea. Most of all they are uncooperative about hanging the mosquito net. It shakes the foundation of marriage.

29 .Their after-work activities include watching soaps like Bou Kotha Kao, Durga, Ekhane Akash Neel and game shows like Dadagiri, Dance Bangla Dance, but they pretend only the wives watch serials.

30 .They part their hair.

31 .They scoff at Dan Brown’s “poor language”, but devour his thrillers anyway.

32 .Dressed as they are in their executive suits, they are often sighted at a sweet shop gorging on langcha, mishti doi or telebhaja at the para shops, looking guilty, before returning home from work.

33 .They not only have an opinion about everything but they think they take the right decision in everything, though this could be a universal male trait.

34 .The television remote lands in his hands the moment he returns from work and stays there till he goes to sleep. But office phone calls don’t end. So he sits there with the remote in one hand and the phone in the other. This could be another universal male trait.

35 .Of course it’s okay to stay with his family. If she does, she is being a good woman in these selfish times. Of course it’s not okay to stay with hers. If he does, he is being a wimp in the traditional sense.

36 .He will insist that she looks beautiful, hot in fact, wearing sindur along with jeans, when she knows she is looking downright uncool.

37 .On online networking sites, Bengali men show a high tendency towards matrimony.

38 .They may not know the language. But they know the choicest Bangla gaalis and use them liberally.

39 .They like to pat their pot bellies in private. Sometimes in public.

40 .All nursery rhyme heroes are boys. Khoka goes fishing, goes to the river of milk, goes to hunt, goes to get married, while Khuku sits at home, learning to cook, waiting to get married or just plain crying. Obviously Khoka will face several adjustment problems when he grows up.

41. They are less chivalric compared with men from other Indian communities, many women report.

42. Many Bengali men think they are from Brazil. Which is why they go rabid during the World Cup.

43. During summer, they will smear their chests in slow motion with talcum powder before going to bed.

44 .If you are going to Digha, they will definitely advise you to have vodka mixed with coconut water on the beach.

45. If he’s there himself, he will drink it, wearing nothing but a beach hat and “baarmudas”.

46.-50 .The Bengali boy’s mother thinks he’s “flawless”. He secretly agrees.

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